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Dexter O. Scrimgeour

Full name: Dexter Orson Scrimgeour (yes, his initials are DOS. Yes, he will gleefully extol to anyone who knows enough about computers to know what DOS is.)

Birthdate and age: 14 March, 1965 / 20

Sexual orientation: Dexter is aware enough of his own social limitations to know that mating is one human experience that he has no desire or chance of experiencing for himself: both because he has yet to meet another of either gender to compare to his own brilliance, and also because neither of either gender is self-loathing enough to put up with his brilliance. If, however, it becomes possible to design ones own offspring and he can assure that he will be able to pass his own hand selected DNA onto another individual he will find a healthy satisfactory ovum and construct the child in a lab - preferably with a Vulcan ovum as he believes it is most complementary to his own intelligence.

Occupation: A Unspeakable Theoretical Magician in the Department of Mysteries on the 9th floor of the Ministry of Magic. He wants emphasis on the fact that just because he works with Unspeakables does not make him an Unspeakble (if that were the case than the mere action of living amongst ordinary mortals would make him an ordinary mortal, which, clearly, he is anything but).

What exactly is a Theoretical Magician? If you ask Dexter he will tell you: “Someone, namely myself, who studies theoretical magic, of course. What did you think someone with the title of theoretical magician would do? Study the theory of primates?” Then you will bite back a retort and rephrase your question to ask: What exactly is Theoretical Magic? Here’s where this gets tricky. Theoretical Magic is a term coined by Dexter himself, which he will gladly tell you all about ad nauseum. Basically it is Theoretical Physics but instead of concentrating on the natural world he concentrates on magical matter itself.

Dexter’s definition of the study is as follows: Theoretical magic employs arithmatical models and abstractions of magic in an attempt to explain experimental data taken of the magical world. Its central core is arithmatical magic, though other conceptual techniques are also used. The goal is to rationalize, explain and predict magical phenomena. The advancement of Arithmancy depends in general on the interplay between experimental studies and theory.

In layman’s terms: Dexter develops theories on magic and tries to prove them. He claims that this does not make him a *shudder* common Unspeakable and that no attention should be paid to the fact that he works with them . He claims the Ministry has simply never dealt with a field of study like his and so simply shoved him in the most logical place: the Department of Mysteries. He has dreams of one day being granted access to the Planet Room because, well, Dexter really likes outer space. And harbors a not-so-secret desire to pretend he works aboard the Star Ship Enterprise. This is probably the main reason he has yet to be granted access to the room.

Alumnus: Ravenclaw // 1982 (it should be noted that just because Dexter finished Hogwarts in 7 years that this in no way reflects his academic prowess. He finished Muggle Secondary school at the age of 11 and attended University during Winter and Summer holidays. By the time he finished Hogwarts he held a Master’s Degree and a Ph D. in Theoretical Physics. After Hogwarts he attained a D.Sc and intended to become a Muggle Theoretical Physicist until he was recruited and persuaded to work for the Ministry. He’s still very bitter at the fact that Hogwarts would not let him accelerate his learning and said so after he achieved O’s on ever single NEWT the school offered).

Bloodline: Half-blood. His father is a Pureblood from the Scrimgeour line and his mother is a Muggle.

Hometown and current residence: Dexter was born in Sidmouth, Devon but after his father left hi mother relocated the family to London where Dexter has grown up and wreaked scientific havoc. He currently lives in Finsbury, London, in a rundown but immaculately sterile flat where he has a telly with purloined cable and an NES and one of those very rare gigantic desktop computer things that he's fascinated with.

Family:
Father - Brutus Scrimgeour. Future author of The Beater’s Bible, Brutus is known Wizarding world wide as one of the most brutal Beaters in history in his tenure for the Falmouth Falcons. But Brutus first started off playing for the Chuddley Cannon’s. It was when he was recruited for the Falcon’s that he quickly divorced and dropped his family. Dexter has met Brutus a total of three times. Every time they both leave the meeting firmly believing that there is no possible way they’re related. But unfortunately official DNA tests never lie. And after three of them, both men have reluctantly accepted that they’re father-and-son - but only in the most very very basic and primary definition.

Mother - Beatrix Mummson Scrimgeour Heartford Brighton. Beatrix is one of those women who just exude sensuality. It’s how she entrapped her first (divorce), second (deceased) and current (decidedly still wed) husband. She’s a woman who thankfully never had to rely on much scholastic smarts. But what she lacks in not finishing Secondary school she makes up for with sharp common sense. Beatrix knows how to survive. She’s married a wizarding athlete (for looks), a very elderly headmaster (in order to get her children free admission to the best school in London) and currently a grocer (for love). Dexter’s mum is the only person in the world who can order him around and who he’ll listen to. She’s his Trump card.

Sister - Daria Scrimgeour. Daria is Dexter’s fraternal twin sister and the two are fraternal in every possible conceivable sense. Daria is exactly like her parents: Muggle, beautiful and puts all her emphasis on social conventions and having fun. When Daria was 16 she met Joey, a 21 year old mechanic who convinced her to drop out of school and move in with him. She did and 3 years later he dumped her out of the blue. Only for her to find out he'd been sleeping with her best friend. For a year. After that (and a short stint in jail for destroying his prize truck) Daria went off on a summer tour with Brutus and the Falcons to see what magical life was really all about and to try and forget about Joey. That was more than enough magic to last Daria a lifetime and she is very happily a bartender at 100 Club on Oxford street. Currently she lives at home with her mum and stepdad and she enjoys tormenting her younger (by 3 minutes and 47 seconds) brother. (PB: Aurelia Gliwski)

Uncle - Rufus Scrimgeour. Rufus is, in a word, insane. Known for his often violent and unorthadox approach to taking down criminals, the Ministry - afraid to fire him - promoted him to Head of the MLE in order to get him off the field. Family is very important to Rufus, so when he found out his younger brother had married a Muggle girl he'd knocked up - Rufus wasn't happy. He intimidated a few people and next thing Brutus knew he was on the Falcons. Rufus forgot about the kids until the boy developed magic and the girl stayed a Squib. It’s thanks to Rufus that Dexter accepted his invitation to Hogwarts, didn’t get expelled from it for various reasons, was recruited to the Ministry, and has yet to be arrested due to his very vocal nature and views (scientifically accurate views, Dexter would like to be noted). Rufus is perhaps the one family member Dexter respects if only for his ability to influence nearly everyone – despite being stuck having to work at such in such an unchallenging field as Law Enforcement. Despite the fact that Rufus is completely unintelligible and everyone who sees him or hears of him is promptly terrified.

Personal background: When Brutus left Beatrix and their 6 month old twins and went to play for the Falmouth Falcons, Beatrix moved to London and vowed to give her children a completely normal upbringing despite their obvious family handicap. However she never anticipated her son, Dexter, being a child prodigy. Dexter did everything early: walked, talked, toilet trained, and tied his shoes. This however, was coupled with him being a very sickly child. It seemed like every other week Dexter was bedridden with one childhood illness or another, also accompanied by asthma and a deadly allergy to bees and cats (because of this he has become severely germaphobic). To entertain himself, Dexter taught himself to read, and then write, and then to make notes. He devoured comic books and was fascinated with the notion of space and time. So he began to study them. By the time Dexter began Primary school he was so vastly ahead of his peers that his professors had no good reason not to keep elevating him a grade level every few months. He breezed through coursework like it was merely a coloring book – experimenting in his own spare time with things not even his teachers could understand. When it became obvious that he would need an aggressive Secondary school, Beatrice found and married the elderly Headmaster of one of the most prestigious schools in London upon where Dexter was promptly admitted. And subsequently finished two years later.

Dexter was eagerly awaiting acceptance to Oxford when he turned 11 years old – and received instead of an admittance letter an owl about Hogwarts. That was when Dexter met his father, Brutus, and his uncle, Rufus, for the first time. After Brutus left the meeting in a huff following Dexter’s belittling and insults about his intellect, Rufus took it upon himself to convince his nephew to attend Hogwarts during the school year and take classes at Oxford during the Winter and Summer breaks. Assuming that he could breeze through Hogwarts like he did school (and naturally completely fascinated by the idea of magic existing – a notion he found to be completely against science and therefore one he wasn’t going to believe until he could study it), Dexter agreed.

It goes without saying that Dexter was sorted into Ravenclaw with virtually no hesitation. And he went into his classes having already read every schoolbook issued as well as any supplementary book he could find. Mastering the spellwork took him almost no time as well as he went into it with a fervent and single minded obsession to master everything. This did however lead to a rift between him and every other student at the school. Dexter was smarter than the average student, and had no hesitation in not only pointing this out but belittling everyone as well. When a student other than himself answered a question in class, Dexter would correct them – even if the answer they gave was right. Dexter always had a better and more thorough answer. This didn’t always impress the professors. And when Dexter began to push to be allowed to sit his OWLs and NEWTs early – many professors advocated his cause if only to get him out of their classroom. However, Dexter would still be under 17 and therefore not allowed to use magic outside of school and thus sitting NEWTs early was rather pointless. He would have to go at the pace of his peers.

This horrified Dexter. So he began to study the subjects offered at Hogwarts that he couldn’t fit into his schedule in his spare time – vowing to master every class Hogwarts offered with an O – as well as teaching himself Muggle physics to prepare for his classes at Oxford during the holidays. And when he’d learned all he could from those classes he needed a project – so he began to study the theory of the existence of magic. How was it possible, why did it exist to began with, and what exactly was it? Dexter became obsessed with it - an obsession that lasted past Hogwarts and lead to his career as a Theoretical Magician.

During the 7 years he studied at Hogwarts, Dexter also studied at Oxford. And by the time he received his straight O’s he also finished Oxford with a Masters degree and a Ph. D (he earned a second Ph. D two years after Hogwarts). He intended to pursue a career in Theoretical Physics as a Professor at Oxford while he worked on his own research, but his uncle Rufus persuaded him to at least meet with the Ministry of Magic. In Rufus’ mind he’d rather his precocious nephew be somewhere he could keep an eye on him.

Dexter proposed his theories on Theoretical Magical studies to the Ministry of Magic, and seeing his ideas as a way to eventually prove that magical beings are superior to Muggle beings through science and studies they assigned Dexter to the Department of Mysteries and gave him the title of an Unspeakable (which Dexter naturally rejected, claiming that his field is far more elite and more difficult than something as tedious as studying love or death or time. He was studying the very matter of what caused such things to exist, for Merlin’s sake!)

Appearance: Dexter is very close to your textbook picture of a nerd. He is tall and painfully thin with a perfectly round face, protuberant ears and close-cropped hair. However he is quick to point out that he is more highly evolved than his, for lack of a better term, ‘fellow nerd.’ He has never had glasses or braces or any other corrective devices. He neglects to tell you he contracted nearly every childhood illness possible, but that has to do with his immune system and not the fact that his body needs nothing ‘correctional.’

Dexter favors casual Muggle clothes as opposed to Wizarding robes that he finds more of a hindrance to his activities. Besides, how is one supposed to hide the fact that they have powers to the unknowing public if you dress in costume around them? Instead Dexter wears denim trousers and layered t-shirts. Usually the short-sleeved t-shirt has some sort of comic book figure or science fiction related emblem. Dexter likes to keep as much of his body covered as possible. He has a fear of germs, which stem from his childhood of which much was spent in bed with various illnesses.

As for manner of speech, Dexter enunciates every word excruciatingly clearly in a perfect British accent. This is deliberate, since when he was younger he had a near unintelligible lisp and worked obsessively on overcoming it, even surpassing his mother and sister’s country accents. However, when Dexter is particularly flustered (usually in anger, seldom in excitement) then his lisp and childhood accent slips through – usually without him realizing it.

Played-by: Jim Parsons

Personality: Dexter is insufferable. Completely and entirely. It takes a very special and unique individual to spend more than five minutes in conversation with Dexter without becoming annoyed, offended, confused or disturbed. He talks over your head with little thought or care as to whether or not you are capable of understanding him. He has long since accepted that he is more brilliant than any other human he has ever met and sees no reason to be modest or hide that fact. He’s proud of his brilliance and delights in showing off at every opportunity. Naturally this alienates nearly everyone he meets, which is perfectly acceptable, as he dislikes most people on principle alone. If they can’t be bothered to try to smarten themselves up in order to understand him than he doesn’t see why he should dumb himself down in order to assist them. In his mind he has a 187 IQ and other people should strive to be on his level rather than he insult himself to go down to theirs.

This inflated ego and selfish behavior is typical in child prodigies. It is also worsened by Dexter having the as yet undiagnosed Asperger’s Sydrom – which makes it virtually impossible for him to empathize with other peoples feelings or recognize changes in emotion in other people (this makes him completely clueless to sarcasm as well). Dexter takes an exclusively analytical approach to life, and he wants everything to be given and taken at face value and void of all emotional attachment. He will brutally and honestly tell you exactly what is on his mind without care or regard for your feelings or tact of any sort.

He also has a rather moderate case of OCD. He needs his surroundings to be sterile and immaculately in order. He labels everything he owns and even at work insists on labeling everything he may or may not one day use. He showers a minimum of three times a day and uses a disinfecting antibacterial potion on his hands multiple times throughout the day. Dexter needs to have a routine and gets very out of sorts when it is disrupted. He eats Sushi food on Mondays, Thai on Tuesdays, Chinese on Wednesdays, hamburgers on Thursdays, Italian on Fridays, stew or soup or chowder based dishes on Saturday, and on Sunday he will allow for variation and surprise. Any change to this schedule results in almost panic on Dexter's part.

Dexter's also OCD about his timecard at work. He refuses to let the time room clock hours that he did not work - to the point where he will adjust it to remove time for any personal activity (like eating, drinking, or restroom breaks). He takes an almost insane pride in actually doing work he is paid for, and sometimes will work almost 80 hour weeks just to make sure it doesn't look like he is slacking when his timecard is compared to his coworkers. Even though he reiterates that they are not his coworkers and merely people he shares a workspace with.

Affiliation and reasoning: Dexter is completely neutral. In fact he probably can’t tell you what the Order of the Phoenix is (though if he had to hypothesize on the name alone and no other data to corroborate his theories, he would assume that it is a team of Ornithologists which specializes in researching the habits and cycles of the phoenix in order to determine how to apply the powers of the bird to humans; and he would be most curious as to how he can correct their findings), who Black Caps are (though it would only be logical to assume that they are a cousin of the Red Cap, except instead of appearing where there has been blood shed they appear where there have been great surges of dark magic), and if you ask him about Death Eaters he’ll start explaining the history of cannibalism to you. Or ask if you are, in fact, referring to Sith Lords, upon which he’ll inform you of the “rule of two” and begin a lecture as to how there should be no more than two Sith Lords (or Death Eaters if one is trying to use a false name in order to throw of the Rebellion, not that it is a very good name as it sounds even more sinister. He would suggest changing to something quite ordinary and easily forgettable in order to avoid suspicion. Perhaps the White Asparagus Eaters?) at any given time. Dexter is so wrapped up in his own world that very seldom does anything penetrate it that he does not wish to.

Purity beliefs: Well basing anything off so called “purity” is absurd. Human genetics are never pure unless you fertilize and incubate yourself and therefore clone a new you. But unfortunately human beings are as of yet unable to achieve a so-called ‘immaculate conception’ and thus autogamy is still quite impossible. Just because one person who happens to be magical marries another person who also happens to be magical is in no way a guarantee of assuring that their progeny is also magical. Mutations occur all the time in nature. For example, if a blond person marries another blond person they might produce a blond child. However, they might also produce a redheaded child because the redheaded gene is simply a mutation of the blond gene. Besides, the magical gene is dominant: like the widow’s peak. So chances are that even if the magical person copulates with a non-magical person then the chances of them producing a magical child are still relatively high. Magic is simply an inherited trait – like hair color. And saying an individual with quote-un-quote “pure” blood is any more superior than an individual with quote-un-quote “unpure” blood is just as absurd as saying an individual with blond hair is able to achieve an elevated level of enjoyment or “fun” from their existence as opposed to someone whose hair follicles might contain a darker pigmentation.

Of course these declarations to everyone and anyone foolish enough to bring the subject up around him have gotten Dexter in trouble before. His uncle always manages to get him rehired, thankfully. Though Dexter still can’t comprehend why people are so obsessed with a theory that has long since been proven a fallacy. Really, the Ministry should fire those imbeciles in the Experimental Charms department instead of people who happen to have acquired a mutated magical gene when conceived by two individuals with no magical genes. Resumes lie, DNA never does. If the Jedi Counsel doesn't judge the capabilities of a Padawan by their parentage then there is no reason the Ministry should. Being a Jedi is far more prestigious than being a Wizard after all. They don’t even require a wand. Just the force.